Guided by seagulls."We contributed to these islands! You're standing on her..."
Shetland, Season six, episode six. The finale
Note: Many, many spoilers. Do NOT read if you haven’t seen episode six of the show, or have any intention of watching it.
Here we go! Tarquin, Struan, Farquhar, Jocelyn, Heathcliffe and all the Nivens including the Liberal Democrat. The dead lawyer and the dodgy consultant whose wife the dead lawyer was shagging...they were all well and truly dobbed in by the Screaming Non-Nun last week. What for? Who knows? Oh, right, for killing poor Mary Anne after that wicker man got burned at the big hoose on Fetlar, many years ago at Old New Year (13 January). But what did they do with the body?
Also, Donna’s posted a letter to her lawyer numbering Duncan for killing her with hot chocolate Unless, of course, he failed and made a right Horlicks of it. I should cocoa!
No, Devious Donna’s dead, mellifluous medic Meg confirms it. Depressed Peerie Jimenez has his difficult doiting dad to deal with it. And dammit, here’s Duncan. Distraught. Down some drams!
There’s Eshaness. Here’s Lerwick. It’s only 42 miles. Respect the geography, you colonialist media predators on our glorious cake fridges! Dodgy Darren Transit Vauxhall Bedford and Snivellin’ Niven the Lib Dem are picked up. Tosh! Are you pregnant? Do you like Coriander and mustard sandwiches? Or ham? There’s a lot of it about in this production.
Dodgy Darren and Snivellin’ are being interviewed. They deny everything. Maybe Dead Alex knew something. They know nothing, Except clearly, they know everything. They sweat suspicion like bullets, Like lead suppositories. Darren was a lightweight at the time. But wait a minute! Loganair Roy Craghopper-Flashback was there. He’s in hospital, in a dress.
He remembers a few things. The elite of Lerwick was taking drugs over on Fetlar, not his scene. There was a bit of an atmosphere. Bedford told him to shut up. I swear I would have reported it. Whatever it is. But frankly, if Mary Anne was murdered it explains Alex Galbraith being such a nice guy and doing so many good deeds, even though he was a dirty stinking lawyer who shagged his secretary.
Flora phones Peerie. He answers because everyone knows Shetland has the best Mobile coverage in the known world. It’s to do with the sheep. Their special wool conducts radio signals. Donna died from cocoa, or maybe Ovaltine. It’s hard to tell. Might have been camomile tea. Or Ribena.
Announcement: Lynne’s dead. The screaming non-nun is done. She is an ex-non-nun. Sweet Sister Caroline has exited the status quo. Down, down, deeper and down...
Dodgy Darren is on the verge. He’s being interviewed illegally, none of his testimony would count, but he’s not watched Line of Duty and doesn’t know that. “You’ll never practise medicine again. No nurse will ever mop your brow and bring you special margarine toast.” He cracks. “No, I must have hospital Stork toast! Mary Anne died of taking drugs that Galbraith and Niven gave her. They buried the body. I don’t know where. We just switched off. Do you have any idea how many lives I went on to save? And besides, we had a ferry to catch. The Fetlar ferry goes via Unst and it’s really, really complicated. Particularly if you have to go to Largs as well. And Millport.”
Peerie takes Niven on a grave-finding drive. “Is this the magical mystery tour then eh? I’m not someone who likes to dwell on the past.” Cut to Tosh buying a pregnancy test. It would appear that Dodie or Donnie is the father. Good. We need more Donnie.
Niven cracks! He’s a bit confused as this is supposed to be Fetlar and it’s actually Eshaness. “It was all Galbraith’s idea. Where’s the body? “We contributed to these islands! We are Liberal Democrats! I don’t deserve to be remembered for this. Oh, all right. You’re standing on her.” Fantastic sense of direction. The man’s a human GPS. Guided by seagulls.
Niven is arrested and cuffed. And so the Lib Dem loses his liberty. He’s been charged with, ahem, unlawful burial. But we still don’t know who killed Alex G. He was going to tell the world about Mary Ann. But it wisnae me! I mean him.
We’re back with Carrie the dive boat cook, who’s been telt on by her mate Mick, who’s fed up sharing a house with her. Something something Sister Caroline the late non-nun, and Carrie confesses - Niven told her to ...what? She’s a cook, not a decompression expert. “I was told nobody would die. Just to pressurise him.” As in Eamon the drone-flying casualty. I think you’ll find it was actually de-pressurising.
“I’d never experienced an uncontrolled decompression. I am a cook!
I’ve seen chickens imploding in microwaves on the shoulder of Orion, bright as magnesium! I’ve defrosted haggises until they glittered in the darkness by the Tannenhauser Gate!”
None of this makes any sense. Peerie’s dad’s off somewhere. Flowers and a suitcase. He wants cake! Where’s the nearest free cake fridge?
Peerie suspects something to do with Merryn, daughter of the deceased brief. She is forever going for walks on a scenic beach, and this is no exception. She is a vision in icewashed denim. She knows something, but Peerie can't get her to say. Meanwhile, Flora, the greatest forensic expert in the known world, has unearthed Mary Ann’s remains and declares there’s no sign of foul play. After 21 years in a bog. Except for actually being in an unmarked grave in a bog, that is.
Poor old Peerie’s dad gets run over. A white van, naturally. But it’s OK, there’s a dashcam. He goes to hospital, still clutching the flowers he was going to take to Fair Isle. No, he won’t live with Peerie. “You’d drive me up the wall.” As opposed to into the ditch.
Niven hints whodunnit: it’s the wife! But then, it always is. It’s not looking good for the Lib Dems. And...Eve’s grandfather was in the war. He knew about firearms. Clincher. My grandfather was a railwayman. I can drive a train. And here comes a doozie. Peerie presses Eve’s doorbell three times, which was the noise poor Icewash Merryn heard on the phone when her dad was shot, relayed by EE (best coverage). All together now: “Buzz three times on the doorbell if it’s Evie…”
OK, it was Eve. Merry knew all along. She wanted to kill her husband because he was shagging the secretary, and was about to blow her chances of being an MP by confessing to murder - one or the other, or both. Her alibi is shredded with the files she’s desperate to destroy: Sister Caroline the late non-nun was disguising herself as Eve, and was seen at the office by one of the refugee family who…
What? Run that past me again? No, don’t bother.
That’s the Lib Dems buggered anyway. Actually, no it isn’t. It won’t make any difference at all, not here in Shetland. Billy from Trainspotting will run! He’s a shoo-in. Or anybody.
Dastardly Donna’s letter says Duncan did it and Peerie covered it up. Looks like Peerie wants to help Duncan out but the Fiscal isnae huvvin it. Trouble looms over the malted milk. Duncan looks like doing the honourable thing and feeding himself to an orca. Hooray! He’s skimming stones from Bain’s Beach in Lerwick. You can hit Norway from there.
Now the scene we’ve all been waiting for, at least we who work in the local funereal industries! The burial of Mary Anne’s bones (awfully quickly, but then Flora the al fresco forensic specialist has done her worst). There’s Ian! And Alan! And Jamie, all dressed as civilians, though their expertise is evident in the way the coffin is lowered while drones hover inches overhead. See what they did there? The season began with a burial and ends (nearly) with one. You’d almost think they knew what they were doing.
Cassie, who is - let’s see...Duncan’s daughter and Peerie’s stepdaughter by the same woman, who’s dead - is back. To work in Duncan’s bar, as he’s off to the orcas, or possibly to confess for doing deadly Donna with domestic drugs. Billy arrests him, as he knows that’ll look good in his manifesto. Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.
The Very Nice Nurse asks beleaguered Peerie if he wants to go for a drink later. “Maybe next time.” Next what? Next time your best pal’s arrested? Next murder? Next time an orca falls out of the sky and crushes Leaky Sandy into a Primark leather-jacketed bannock?
Tosh is expecting. Yay, there’s going to be a Peerie Tosh. A Toshette. Or Toshettes.
And...Peerie’s arrested, due to possible connivance in Duncan’s dispatching of dire Donna. This is known as a cliffhanger. Immediately followed by a continuity announcement that he’ll be back in a new series in 2022. So he’ll get off. Sandy won’t confess that he was a leaker. Tosh will have quads.
BUT...who made the suppository bullets? Where’s Linda Morton and her dodgy drug-dealing partner, the one with the evil Mitsubishi? Vanished, eaten by orcas probably. Hopefully. Who killed Eamon on the dive boat? Carrie the cook was shucking scallops at the time, for goodness’ sake! Or orcas.
It doesn’t matter. Loads of people watched this. It made no sense but gave good scenery. The saving grace of Shetland is and always will be Shetland.
Great stuff, your wry observations and local insight adds a great deal of value to watching this entertaining but peculiar bit of nonsense, but frankly I'm very worried now about the VNN (Very Nice Nurse) who it seems works in every department of the NHS. I'm dreading the next series when her various skeletons topple from the closet, clattering all over Jimmy.